Loneliness

I am going to write about something that I don't write about very often, and I am going to do it in 20 minutes without stopping because sometimes there are topics that just need to be let out-- not thought and wrought upon.  So here it goes: Loneliness.
Loneliness in motherhood is a very real thing.   I'm not talking about depression, I'm not talking about regret or resentment.  Often all of these topics are pooled together in mommy-writes-about-being-mommy articles.
For me, loneliness is its own beast.  Here is the main thing I want to say about loneliness: it's not always such a bad thing, but it's a presence.
I find as a mom that this loneliness is very hard to get away from.  Even when I'm surrounded by other people.  Even when my husband or my family or my friends are with me, the loneliness is there.  I have been trying to figure out why.  It has something to do with my mind not being able to ever be completely present in any topic other than parenting-- in any given situation I am usually thinking about the baby.  When there is something that is so completely dependent on you, you can't help but think and fret and worry almost constantly.
And so even if you work (as I do), or see friends often (as I do) or have a very supportive partner (as I do), I feel lonely because my mind is always off, alone in this space of when did the baby last eat, is the baby about to lose it in this store, is she ok sleeping on her tummy in her room, did those peas upset her stomach, is this nap going to throw the whole night into a tale spin, is she ok in the childcare at the gym, is she going to get trampled on, is that bump on her hand from a spider, have I had enough calories and water today to keep her fed and happy through the next few hours, etc..... 

I think people wonder sometimes why I talk so much about my kids.  I used to wonder that about parents before I had my own children.  Possibly it's because our lonely minds that are usually off bouncing around in the darkness by themselves thinking about sleep patterns and teething are desperate for a little feedback.  The zombie apocalypse could be here and I swear I would start up a conversation with one of them about carseats.
Parenting groups help because we're all in the same boat.  And exercise helps, as does playing the piano--  the mind is made quiet through movement and noise.

..But here is one more thing that I'd like to say before my time runs out on this post and the baby wakes up:
Dear world,
I know that I talk about my kids constantly.  And I know that my eyes glaze over when we start to talk about pretty much anything else.  Art, history, politics, music, books, fitness.  These are things you are interested in, and I am interested in them too!  Someday I will windex my mind, and fully engage with you in a conversation about one of these topics, but for now I have let my mind give in slightly to the loneliness of parenting.  I love being a mommy.  Really really love it.  But I often find that I am fighting myself, defending myself against my own projections of myself, that it's not enough to be just a mom in a world where I could be doing a million other things.  But golly I do love it.  At least I do most of the time.  Even if it means that my mind is off roaming around in this lonely dark woodsy place, rummaging through thoughts of baby food and cradle cap.

There are some days when it feels like it's all for nothing, and I miss being able to sit and give myself completely to a project that I'm working on, a drawing, an article-- or even read a book without having to stop and go back a few pages because that's where my mind started to wander off.
But there are also those moments when I feel like I'm the luckiest woman on earth, and that my mind which seems alone and away and distant so much of the time is actually producing something quite extraordinary and beautiful.  Here is one of those moments from this morning:

So, what are your thoughts on loneliness and parenting?