worries, woes, and carrots

On Monday Violet was helping me make carrot muffins.  When you are five, you want to help with everything, and finally you are big enough where "helping" actually is pretty helpful.  She pulls up the step-stool, and digs in the drawer to find whatever measuring cup it is I need.  She is eager to carry eggs carefully out of the fridge, and find the right mixing spoon, and can read all the names on the spice jars; here's cinnamon, mama!  I found it!  She can look at the recipe and tell me if it's baking soda or baking powder that I need, and she is always up for stirring and tasting everything until it's just right.

Anyway, while we were creating these muffins on Monday, I had her peel the carrots for the very first time ever.  There is something almost tearfully beautiful about teaching your child something as simple as peeling a carrot.  You position her little hands just right, and hold them in yours, and help her through the motion.  And then, pretty soon, she is doing it on her own.  She is laughing and cheering and feeling incredibly important and proud because she has yet again mastered a tiny sliver of what life is about.  

It was one of those moments that I swear I will remember always--  even just the colors of it-- her pink hands, the red peeler, the orange carrot-- the memory of it all will save me when I'm sitting in the dentist  chair having my teeth drilled (I keep a special stash of memories locked in my brain for immediate escape during dental work).  

I have to say, though… and this is what I have been trying to get to for half a page now… is that Monday's beautiful moment has kind of messed me up these past two days.  Suddenly I feel like I'm wading through this horrible bog of guilt.  I know it's an emotional pregnancy thing--  but I just can't help but worry how my relationship with Violet-- that has been so close and intense for five years-- is going to change a little with this new baby.  

Don't get me wrong: I can't wait for the baby to be here, and I am so excited to have Violet grow as a sister, and for me to grow as a mother…. but at the same time, I am trying to savor these simple moments where it's just us, as it has been for five years.  

I know that the baby will come, and she will be, well, my baby.  She will be one of us, and our hearts will explode with love for her… I can't wait to smell her tiny hands like fresh spring grass.  But right now, in this moment, I am having a hard time not feeling like I am betraying Violet.  Is that weird and horrible?  Maybe.  I sort of feel like it's not ok to talk about-- but I'd be curious to know how other mommies have felt going into the birth of their second child.  

In any case, I know I'm going to be busy when the baby arrives, so I've been trying to do some special things just with Violet lately--  like go to the zoo, cook with her in the kitchen, teach her card games like Crazy 8's and Old Maid.  Today we went to one of our favorite parks, and then took a long walk in the rain and talked about how the pink trees, starting to bloom, always bloom around her birthday.  

My little love.  When did you get so big?  I'll help you be a big sister, if you help me be a mama of two.  It's not going to be easy, but maybe if we stick together we'll be ok.