Insomnia

Another great poem by B. Collins.  Appropriate following a night filled with a two-and-a-half hour 3AM.


Insomnia


Even though the house is deeply silent

and the room, with no moon,
is perfectly dark,
even though the body is a sack of exhaustion
inert on the bed,

someone inside me will not
get off his tricycle,
will not stop tracing the same tight circle
on the same green threadbare carpet.

It makes no difference whether I lie
staring at the ceiling
or pace the living-room floor,
he keeps on making his furious rounds,
little pedaler in his frenzy,
my own worst enemy, my oldest friend.

What is there to do but close my eyes
and watch him circling the night,
schoolboy in an ill-fitting jacket,
leaning forward, his cap on backwards,
wringing the handlebars,
maintaining a certain speed?

Does anything exist at this hour
in this nest of dark rooms
but the spectacle of him
and the hope that before dawn
I can lift out some curious detail
that will carry me off to sleep—
the watch that encircles his pale wrist,
the expandable band,
the tiny hands that keep pointing this way and that.

picking a tree

There is something very adult about buying a Christmas tree for your family. -- deciding how much you are willing to pay; having to tell the man at the lot that yes, the noble firs are indeed lovely, but we just can't spend $50 on a tree, and could we please see the one advertised for $14....  

So, you'd like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree?  the guy says, a bit disappointed in us, and points over to a small pallet of about 4 humble trees.  

Absolutely we do!  

My Christmas childhood memories are pretty potent, and I honestly don't remember our trees being anything less than perfect, although looking back now, I would bet everything I own that my lovely wonderful [frugal] father and mother also refused to shell out a small fortune for our tree each year.  Often times my family was super clever, and bought a live tree in a pot, and we just used that for a few years, hauling it in from the yard, until it finally got too big to haul.   

But it was always perfect, even if not perfectly Christmas tree shaped.  

I do remember my dad lopping off one or two extra zealous branches that had grown from the year before, and those, I think, my mom usually ended up using as decoration on the mantle around the Swedish horses and Christmas goats.  

So, we got the $14 tree this year, and guess what.....  it's lovely!  Violet thinks it's the most amazing thing she has ever seen; and really it is perfect, and has been so much fun.  It is a Douglas Fir, which apparently is the poor man's Christmas tree and a lesser form of foliage than the noble grand blue whatevers that will run you a pretty penny.  Christmas snobbery is not a welcome guest at our table.

Tree topper, chosen by Violet O. 

  

Haircut

Before the haircut.... 

I think I forgot to write about the haircut.
Well, a couple of weeks ago I decided that it was high time Violet had a real haircut.  I've been trimming her hair up until this point, and it's been ok.  But her hair has started to confuse me a bit.  I'm not sure how to explain it---  it's as if all the hair on her head grows from one dot way on the back of her crown, and it all grows forward.  In other words, the girl has no natural part.
So I took her to this place just for kids, "Li'l Klippers"--   the name makes me gag a bit, but really they were very good.  Violet got to sit in this chair shaped like a speed boat, and rummage through a bin of random disney toys the whole time.  In our typical way, both she and I were very serious and nervous throughout the whole experience, but afterwards we couldn't stop talking about it, and we were very proud of ourselves for having gone through with it.  And neither one of us cried, which is always a good thing!
Here are some photos, and post-haircut interview.

Ta-Da! 

Pleased as pie, after the haircut!

Thanksgiving

You hit your late twenties, early thirties, and you start to cool on the holidays just a wee bit.  You go through the motions-- the food, the family, the gifts, the music-- and it's all very nice, but it's not quite as it was when you were young.
Well, let me tell you, having a 2.5 year old in the house changes things a bit.  This is the first holiday season that Violet has been completely aware of what's going on, and she is LOVING it.  It's a bit like having our own personal holiday elf in the house.  Just completely overwhelmingly wonderfully ridiculously enthusiastic about it all.  I can't help but have my spirits lifted by this little nymph, even in the wake of losing my cat, and also losing a cherished member of our extended family (Bob Fuerst) recently.

At the end of a hard week and the end of the Thanksgiving weekend, I want to remember those we have recently lost, and also give thanks to those people in my world-- mainly Violet and Tyler-- who make the hard parts of life fall just a little more gently.


While I was rocking Violet the other night, Violet said to me Moon is in heaven.  I responded by asking her What is heaven?  And she said Heaven is the city where Moon went to feel better.  
We are not particularly religious people, but my child is a gentle soul, and somehow this idea of heaven-- a place to be happy and healthy and renewed-- especially in the midst of the holiday season, just seems to speak to all of us.
Bob, we miss you.  I am glad that you and Moon have each other; two of the warmest gentlemen I have ever known; and it warms every inch of me to know that there are two pairs of shining blue eyes now watching over us all.

I'd like to leave you with poem by my favorite poet, Billy Collins...


The Dead

The dead are always looking down on us, they say.
while we are putting on our shoes or making a sandwich,
they are looking down through the glass bottom boats of heaven
as they row themselves slowly through eternity.

They watch the tops of our heads moving below on earth,
and when we lie down in a field or on a couch,
drugged perhaps by the hum of a long afternoon,
they think we are looking back at them,
which makes them lift their oars and fall silent
and wait, like parents, for us to close our eyes.

    

Rest in Peace, Moon

I try to explain to my daughter, Moon isn't coming back; He still loves us, but he died, and she looks at me and says our pumpkin from Halloween died too, just like Moon, and mama and dada are sad because they miss Moon...  and then she tells me a joke to make me feel better Not Trader Joes, Trader Toes!!  

It's really hard to tell how much reality a 2.5 year old needs, and it's hard to know what to say when I'm so unsure about what the reality actually is.  I know the facts--  Moon was very very sick, and I had to put him to sleep yesterday afternoon, and Tyler and I are sad beyond belief.  My little cat died in my arms, and we took him to Whidbey, up to my parents' cabin, and buried him beneath the ferns and morning rain.  After we were done, I looked around me-- at the sky and the water-- and everything was gray and white and soft; a world translated into the downy coat of a siamese cat.  He seemed everywhere.  

Well, everyone has a different opinion about how to relate the death of a pet to your child.  Funny, though, in many ways I think Violet understands the situation more than I give her credit for.  --Or maybe it's just that really, when it comes down to it, the facts don't really matter a whole lot to her.  What she understands is that we are feeling sad because we miss Moon in our house.  We miss feeding him, and pulling a string for him to catch.  We miss giving him hugs.  She really doesn't have a whole lot of interest in why he's gone, or where he's gone; a toddler is pure feeling, not unsimilar to a cat itself; although she is starting to understand that he is gone, and that there has been a change.  So I'm trying to take her lead, and not focus on what I simply don't know and can't explain... and focus more on how we are feeling about having to say goodbye... although it's not easy.  

Here are a few photos from the ages.  Enjoy!  (And please don't judge 14 year old awkward Rachel too harshly ;)  

Moon at Whidbey as a kitten.

Moon's 1st birthday party.   I made my mom throw him one in our backyard. 

Home from college; Moon helping make anti-Bush signs.  

Moon in our first Seattle apartment.  Such a long beautiful feline.

Tyler had to start a job, so we decided Moon should too.

Our little family, before Violet :) 

Uh oh, Moon!

Right before going into labor.  

Moon in my painting studio.

Moon, Violet, and my mom. 

Moon loved Violet

what.i.am

LoveLoveLove this video.

Cooking

Moon Update

Many of you have asked how Moon is doing....  So I thought I would give you an update.
Our kitty seems to be holding strong, or at least stable, for now.  He's on a special kidney-friendly food, and is taking a couple of things to help his tummy feel better so that he feels like eating this new fancy-pants food.  We're watching him closely to make sure he doesn't stop eating again, or start showing any other signs of suffering.
In a round about way, it is a bit of a gift to get to know that the end may be approaching.  I know a lot of people who have had to deal with the shock of their pets just disappearing--  missing for good or suddenly and unexpectedly passing away.  It's a treasure, in a way, to be able to take this time to reflect on what this small unassuming animal has meant to me.
I was talking with a friend the other day about Moon, and she said something to the effect of "Moon has carried a lot of your grief over the years".  
This, I know is true.  Grief, joy, fear, loneliness, happiness, confusion--  these are all things we burden our pets with.  This cat has been a little fuzzy sponge that has often soaked up my worries and angst at the end of the day.  Also, now, he is the love of my little girl's life.  We're definitely up for suggestions any of you may have in how to talk with Violet about all of this.  It's going to be tough.

Monday Afternoon Birthday

My birthday is June 2nd.  But, apparently it was also my birthday today (according to Violet O.), and everyone was invited.

As you grow older you find that there are very few people who really care about celebrating your birthday.  But, when you become a mommy, there suddenly is this little person who loves and cares for you so incredibly much, that any and every day-- any old useless meaningless day-- is transformed into a birthday party in your honor.
I went into Violet's room after her nap today, and she informed me-- as she often does after nap time-- that it was indeed my birthday, and that she was going to "make a strawberry ice cream cone cake" for me, and that everyone could have some.

Please enjoy now this tidbit from my party.
http://youtu.be/p4btqw4UIHw

Moon

It's not good news;  Moon has been diagnosed with advanced kidney disease.  This is the kitty who I've had since age 14.  When other young ladies my age were becoming beautiful and starting to date boys, I was carrying this little siamese kitten around in the hood of my sweatshirt, and planning his first birthday party.

Moon was there through all of my high school years, he has seen me become a wife and a mother.  He's moved with me and has been my little companion through every major event that has happened for what has been just about exactly half of my life.  

So it's strange and a bit horrible to think that in a few days, weeks, months he might not be here anymore.  We're not really sure how long he has, but the vet didn't paint a very hopeful picture.  Keep us in your thoughts~  it's been a bit of a hard week for all of us here in the Sprague home.      

Creamy Spinach Penne

Creamy Spinach Penne 

I found this recipe on another mommy-food-veggie-blog that I read from time to time (http://www.squishedsquash.com), and OH.MY.STARS.  It was FANTASTIC!  Definitely one to add to our circuit.  

For the sauce:

1 clove of garlic

1/4 cup of almonds

2-3 oz cream cheese, (I the light kind)

1 roasted red pepper

a couple big handfuls of baby spinach

pinch of red pepper flakes

salt and pepper

Put this all in the food processor and give it a whir until it's pretty smooth. Put it aside until your ready to use on the cooked pasta.

For the tomatoes:

2 cups of grape tomatoes

olive oil

1 clove garlic, minced

salt and pepper

While the pasta cooks, cook all ingredients in a skillet, covered, on medium heat. As the tomatoes begin to wrinkle and release their liquid, remove the cover. It will carmelize a little and get thick.

For the pasta:

1 lb whole wheat pasta

2-3 more handfuls of baby spinach

feta cheese

Cook the pasta in salted water according to package directions, reserving some starchy cooking liquid. Toss hot pasta into a bowl with the spinach and the sauce adding cooking liquid if needed. Top with tomatoes and cheese.

Red Walk

 Violet and I went for a walk this afternoon and looked for red.  We found it, here and there, along with a black and white cat.

Writing

Watch out Shakespeare, my little girl is learning how to write!

Also, in other news, I finished an Indian Treepie.

Do Re Mi

So, you start out with this little tiny baby that is a bit of a stranger, and also a bit like every other baby you've ever seen or known or not known.
Then the thing starts to grow.
One day, it's 2.5 years old, and during Tuesday night's eggplant parmesan dinner you realize that your baby somehow became a little person.  But even more astonishing, you realize that the little person it has become is quite similar to an image you remember seeing in the mirror about 25 years ago.

It's weird when your kid starts learning things that you yourself remember learning.  I remember watching The Sound of Music for the very first time when I was little.  And, then I remember listening to the tape over and over and over and over until I absolutely had every single word memorized, and later sitting in the back of the VW bus, singing the songs on long road trips.

So, I guess it should be of no surprise that we now have this little creature running around our house, pretending that her fleece jacket is a wimple as she twirls and sings with the Von Trapp children.  --And every meal has become a concert; not a bad way to end the day!

http://youtu.be/JLWB_x2hMs8

Ernst Uncles in Hats

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9y1oGPQBMqk

Preschool

We have entered a new world, and it's the world of co-op preschool.  It's a pre-3's group, where all the kids are right around Violet's age, and it's only 2 mornings a week, and one of the mornings I stay there with her....  So, as far as preschool goes, it's pretty mild.  

But Violet and I are cut from the same cloth, and after the first week of this, we are both feeling a bit like a dump truck ran over us.  

Wednesday was the first day I dropped her off and left her there alone with the other kids, moms, and teachers.  She was fine when I left.  Gave me a kiss, and said goodbye.  But I guess (to quote the teacher), she got a little weepy a few times, and asked the teacher to give her a hug.  She didn't want to play with any of the other kids, she just wanted to shadow the teacher, and was a bit scared to leave the art table.  

It's funny how much of myself I see in her.  It's not that she loves art; she more sees it as a comfort of some kind.  --Just to sit quietly, and focus in on the paint and paper and her own little hands--  It's the doing of art that is the real joy, and it's a way to escape the pandemonium of the other kids and the world around her... 

Anyway, Fridays I am there working in the classroom (that's how co-op works).  It was my job today to supervise the play-dough table, so of course Violet decided that she wanted to play with play-dough the whole time, or at least until all the kids were sent outside to play with sidewalk chalk and push cars for a bit.  My gosh, you guys, there are 22 kids in this thing, and it gets crazy.  There, of course, is one massively huge and aggressive kid-- (is this kid actually 2?  He seems more like he's 7).  He runs around the play yard getting upset at all the other kids-- pushing them down, using his brute strength and unfair size-advantage to get what he wants;  At one point he actually stuck his arm through the window of the toy house and just started grabbing the faces of the kids inside!  This kid scares me.  I am not really a kid person, the way that some people just love every kid they ever meet;  I kind of wanted to pull my hair out by the end of the day.  It's Lord of the Flies, just a little, and I'm not sure how to help Violet feel more comfortable with it all.  

We'll see how it goes.  She loved going to school in India, and has been longing for something to do with other kids and crafts and teachers all summer..... so I guess preschool is a good option.  It's hard to tell if she's actually ready.  

When we got home, both days, she wrapped her arms around me and just wept.  Then, the next day, had [mostly] only good things to say about it.  Maybe it will just take a little more getting used to.  

        

 

Black Pepper Tofu and Green Beans

My mom and I made this recipe last night from her Sunset magazine, and it was wildly good!
Cheers to a tofu friendly kitchen!

Black Pepper Tofu and Green Beans 


1 lb green beans, trimmed and halved
2 tbsp lime juice
2 tbsp soy-sauce
1 tsp pepper
14 oz. firm tofu, drained and patted dry
2 tbsp canola oil
1 tbsp packed brown sugar
1/2 cup sliced shallots

1) Bring a medium pot of water to a boil, add green beans, cook until bright green, about 3 minutes.  Drain and rinse with cold water.  In a small bowl, mix lime juice, soy sauce, and pepper, then set aside.

2)  Cut tofu into 1/2-inch thick rectangles.  Heat oil in a nonstick frying pan over medium high heat.  Add tofu, sprinkle with sugar, and cook, turning occasionally, until evenly browned, about 10 minutes.  Stir in shallots and cook until browned, about 3 minutes.  Add green beans and cook until warmed, about 3 minutes.  Pour in soy mixture and stir to coat.

A very little big person

Well, it's been a while.  Remember when I was going to do an artist update every week?  Well, I forgot that I'm a mommy of a 2.5 year old.  So maybe I'll just shoot for a good summery once a month or so.  That, hopefully, should be doable.  It's been a busy summer, so besides learning how to use my mat cutter and painting shoes, I haven't done much.
What have we been up to?  Mostly following our toddler into kid-hood.  Suddenly it feels like she's doing all of these big-people things--  using the potty was of course the big one.  On our recent road trip down to California we brought the potty with us.  And every hour there came a little urgent chirp from the backseat "I HAVE TO USE THE POTTY!"  So we would pull off the highway, either at a rest stop (if convenient), or at some little god forsaken gas pump station in the middle of nothingness Oregon -- put the potty on the curb, and stand there on the side of the road while she did her thing.  It felt very retro-parent.  But really, it worked quite well.
Anyway, this potty journey has been and exciting milestone, but there have been other ones too...

1) She grew these long labrador legs, and started trying to climb out of her crib-- oh, horror!  So Tyler built her a little sized big-person bed.  

2) She has stopped sitting in her high chair, and now is in this awesome chair from Tyler's boy-hood, and eats at the table making dinner conversation with the rest of us.  She always asks me, "mommy, did you have a good sleep last night?" no matter what time of day it is.  

3) She has learned how to write "V" and "I" and "O", and then suddenly realized that if she could do a "V" she could also do "N", and if she could do "N" then she could also do "M", and "W".

4) She is inventing up all of these make believe type games, in a way that she never has before.  She pretends that she has chicken pets, and feeds them carrots.  Also, she keeps carrying Potato Guy (Mr. Potato Head) down the hallway with a little backpack and Tyler's headphones (that he wears on his walk to the university), and tells me that she is taking him to school.  Two days in a row now he has ended up in my underwear drawer with a variety of other fun friends with him...

5) Tyler took her to the park today and she told him to go stand by a rock while she climbed up to the slide.  I think she is getting a bit bored with us.   

Next week we start a co-op preschool; we're trying to work ourselves up for that whole new exciting world.

Anyway, a few photos---

Our car trip to CA; Violet and G-raffe drawing "V's"; potty companion

Violet's new bed, made with love. 

Summer water fun in the turtle. 

watering the strawberry plants which produced exactly one strawberry this summer.  It was a very exciting moment

my pretty girl.

Violet in her new chair! 

Potty Land, Part 3

Warning: This entry is about poop.

I had a moment of clarity this weekend regarding this whole potty training business--  
I realized that potty training is not necessarily an all or nothing type thing.
Violet, I would say, is now completely absolutely partially potty trained.
She wears her special underpants all day (except during naps, when we put the diaper back on), and pees in her kid potty whenever she feels the urge (or in the grown up people toilets at the zoo, park, grocery store, etc.... if we happen to be out)---  but going the big #2 in the potty is not quite happening yet.  She went a few times, and afterwards, turned around and stared at her little turd in the potty with a bit of surprise and horror -- pointing, and yelling "not that!!"....  and ever since then has conveniently gone poo in her diaper as she is waking up from a nap or nighttime sleep.
The internet tells me that going #2 in the toilet is a bit advanced for a toddler compared to going #1, and I would definitely say that it is proving to be true.  At this point, #2 is just a little too much.  --too much smelly, too much weirdness all around, too much letting go.

So I've decided that I'm not going to push the deed on her (no pun intended).  She's proven to me so far that she's a sensible little thing, and that she needs to take this thing at her own pace.
Sooner or later I figure, just like a cat, she'll realize that pooping where she sleeps isn't really such a great idea, and maybe then we can say goodbye to diapers for good (and mommy can use the extra $$ every month to get an i-phone ;)  Ha ha!  

Potty Land, part 2

Ok, moms and grandparents:   More Potty News!

A few months ago, in May, Violet used the potty.  And then Mr. Potato Head used it, and then G-Raffe used it, and then Dolly used it, and Elephant used it, and Rainbow Bear used it.  And that was the end of the story.  Our little tot made it quite clear that she did not want to go near her potty any more.
So, after trying to convince her, we decided to drop it for a while.

Well, yesterday, quite out of the blue, I decided to give it a try again.  Violet had been running around outside in her swimsuit playing with a water bucket, and had (somewhat to my surprise), not had any sort of accident whatsoever.  So when we went back in, I decided to put some underpants on her, and told her, quite casually (but somewhat sternly), that it was time to go sit on the potty.

And she did.

She did as if it was quite the normal and natural thing to do.  And after she went, she was so incredibly excited and kept saying that she needed to "call Grandpa Eldon and tell him!"
Then she went to the sink and washed her hands, and reminded me that "when Violet uses the potty she gets so many blueberries and candies and cupcakes and treats!"-- a bribe that used to do nothing.    


I don't know what has changed from a few months ago, but now Violet is WAY excited about using the potty and wants to try to go every 15 minutes.  It used to be kind of a scary thing for her, but now it's as though she's conquered that fear, and is just beaming with pride.  She keeps telling me that she's "such a big girl now" and is "doing so well!".  
Is this the same child that was clinging to me and crying in June, begging to put a diaper on?  She probably used the potty about 23 times yesterday, and every time managed to squeeze enough out to warrant a chocolate-coated sunflower seed.  

Then, when we went to FredMeyer in the afternoon, she told me point blank, "Mama, I want to pick out some special underpants".  Fair enough, small child.  Whatever you want!  I'm just happy we're on the road to Potty Land again!

We'll see how the afternoon goes today;  her enthusiasm is refreshing; she continues to surprise me every day.           

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Happy Birthday, Mom.  

What a wonderful woman you are.    

I love you.

Hello, Dolly!

Dolly came from some far away place on the other side of the world; she hitched a ride in my Great Aunt Linnea's steamer trunk, traveling through the Philippines and China.

That was a long time ago.  

Then, earlier this summer, my cousins in California sent up a box of odds and ends they had been sorting through, and Dolly made it into Violet's little arms.  

Apparently she made it here just in time for her birthday party.  And, coincidentally, she is turing 2! (Just like Violet, just like G-Raffe, just like elephant, just like Mommy).