Reflection on life and death and life.

It’s weird when someone close to you dies.  I don’t really know what it is I believe in, but I find myself looking up to the sky and thinking if only I could see far enough, there you would be.  Or if only I could see close enough, to see all the little bits and pieces that make up the space between the air and sunshine, there you would be.  

But then i’m looking at the grass, watering my plants, and I see a cricket, a lucky spark, a green in the green, and I think of you.  I think maybe you aren’t in the sky.  Maybe you are so much closer than that.  Maybe you are every where, we just can’t see you so well anymore.  But if we pay attention, your sparks are still there.  Because if I can still hear your laugh in my head and remember exactly what it felt like to sit next to you on a picnic bench, with your sweatshirt on, your shoulders tall and friendly against mine— then are you really gone?  

Those we love and lose live on within us forever.  It's a truth.  

I wonder how you are experiencing the world now.  What marvelous winds are you traveling on.  Maybe you are the wind itself.  You can leave all the earthly details to us-- I'll fully take on the responsibility of loving orange cats, and the color purple, and potato salad.  Someone else will have to take on your love for Earl Grey Tea.  Enjoy your wings.  Enjoy your fluidity.  Enjoy the light.  

You can warm the pebbles on the beach.  I'll collect them in my pocket.  

Turning 2

Turning 2.
There's something especially special about this second child of mine turning 2--
Maybe I've realized, really really realized, that a finger snaps and time flies by. Soon she'll be sitting at the counter doing homework and wearing athletic socks.
So we're relishing-rejoicing in this moment.

I love so much this flouncy little pixie.  Her orange glowing head lighting the way; she pads through the zoo in a pink tutu dress-- because Eloise doesn't care a penny what any of us say-- she'll wear pink doggonit, and she'll wear it like a beast. And as a second time around mommy, I let her eat cake and wear pink and watch cartoons just a little more than I did the first time around.  

Happy 2, my darling 2.  You've given me the gift of a lighter heart every day of your life.  Keep doing what you do; use every shade of pink in the box, love all the bunnies everywhere, sit on the steps and eat your measuring cup of peas.  Do all these things the way you do them best.  You are Eloise, and I love you, little big 2.

  

Turning 7

7 is everything.

7 is still wanting to play with dolls and stuffies.  7 is a little scared still at the movies sometimes.  And 7 is snuggly early in the morning and at the end of a long day.  

But 7 is also so big. 

7 is reading chapter books by the boxful.  7 is helping with everything around the house.  7 is climbing so high in trees, running so fast on the soccer field, and inching up taller, taller, taller, to just below my shoulders.  7 is best friends, monkey bars, bike riding, piano playing, chess winning, skirt twirling, orange peeling, bus riding, dreaming big big BIG.
No teeth.  Adult teeth.  A freckle here and there.  Sunshine in your eyes and smile, shaggy bangs, tangles, braids.  Stocking feet and sneakers.
  

7 is a ladybug; sweet and mighty, the brightest little bug you've ever seen.  

7 is everything.  

Winter Outings with my Toddler

It's hard to complain about winter in Seattle.  There isn't really any snow.  It's relatively not that cold. But still, there is something about it-- the darkness mostly, but also the rain-- that kind of makes me just want to stay home and hibernate.   

But with a toddler, one must go out and DO (as my mother always said). 

There are actually quite a few kid-friendly places in the city where you can go when it's cold and rainy.   The Children's Museum is great, but pricey... as is the zoo, Gymboree Play and Music, and the aquarium.   But, there are quite a few cheap and easy places to go too!   

Here are some of my favorites: 

1) Library Story Time.   

Practically every day of the week one or two of the libraries around Seattle hosts a story time.  Songs, stories, egg-shakers, scarves....   toddler heaven.   

Price: free!  

2) 3rd Place Books 

Ok, this is one of my favorites.   You can sit and enjoy a coffee, (or just sit and enjoy sitting), while your kids tool around in what we like to call "the kid pit".  Basically it's just an area filled with toys that is blocked off by counters.   Me: coffee.  Toddler: trains.   Perfect!  Also, Mockingbird Books  if you are around the Green Lake area offers trains, coffee, and story time, and the Mosaic Cafe  in Wallingford, has a back room full of semi-functional toys and play equipment, with pay-as-you-can coffee at the front. 

Price: free, plus whatever coffee you purchase.      

3) Community Centers: Toddler Rooms 

These are dotted around Seattle.  Some are really awesome (the one in Laurelhurst is naturally in this gorgeous studio room with windows overlooking evergreens and Lake Washington) others feel like the places where old gymnastics mats, and broken pop pushers go to die a slow and painfully dirty death.   Pick and choose wisely; and try not to come home with Hand Foot Mouth disease. 

Price: usually $3 

  

4) QFC  at University Village  

Ok, here's the thing about this store: Double-Wide Taxi Shopping Carts.   My girls love them.   Even my almost-seven year old squeezes herself into them because being pushed around a fancy grocery store  while pretending to drive a taxi is apparently the best thing ever.   Do we need eggs?  This calls for a taxi trip!  Will we need more toothpaste eventually?   Taxi time.   Also, there is a childcare facility there which we haven't tried.... I think the kiddos have to be 2 years old to play.  Something to look forward to!   

Price: free!  (plus groceries)  

5) Petco Pet Store 

So, with my first daughter we went to the zoo on a weekly basis.   But now that we're farther away, and our lives have gotten a bit more complicated, I am sorry to say that poor little Eloise has not been to the zoo even once.   

The good news is that we live fairly close to the pet store!  And at the pet store there are mice, fish, birds.... even some kittens on occasion.   What can I say, for a toddler it's a pretty exciting trip! 

Price: free!  (plus the amount of the can of cat food that your toddler refuses to let go of).    

6) Oh screw it, we're going outdoors.  

Sometimes you just have to go out anyway.  Even though the wind is freezing.  And the rain is freezing.  And the slides are wet and freezing.  We go to Magnuson Park a lot.  Hats, boots, coats.   We throw rocks for 20 minutes, run around the trees, then pile back into the car and drive home where the bathtub is waiting for us.   

Christmas at home

Christmas at our house.  

Like a story, or a song.  Like a memory that you feel like you have, but you don't really know where it came from.  

And then you realize that it is a memory.  But in your memory you are the child with the glowing Christmas tree that seems twenty feet tall.  And the warm current buns in the morning, with the sausages that you never eat any other time of year.   The heater runs, gift wrap strewn about the living room.  Mom and dad are smiling and drinking coffee in a sleepy smiling sort of way.   

Legos.  Dolls.  A new set of pencils.   A walk in the cold Christmas air after all the fuss has died down.   Many new books to read.   

I remember so much love, and many sweaters.      

In this way, Christmas at our house-- in our very own house, under our very own roof for the first time ever-- was very much like returning to something from my childhood.  But now I am the mother, and I am watching my girls, ages 1.5 and 6.5 point out endlessly which ornament is the most magnificent.  
We are celebrating our home, and everything that it means to be the-four-of-us-together in our home. A space where daily ordinary life takes place, but can turn into a sort of magical holiday hut when we simply focus on each other, and make cookies.  
It was wonderful.  It was perfect.
And now we are into January, and Christmas is over and cleaned up.   And I am already looking forward to next year.