Seeing Santa

I mostly didn't believe in Santa when I was little.  Although, there was one moment, right around Christmas, when I was 6, with my cousin Richard, helping feed a neighbor's cat one evening--  for two seconds I believed, in the darkness of the front garden, that a jingle sleigh was up among the stars.

Richard would get excited and terrified about most things.  He would plant these ideas in my head, like maybe there were great white sharks swimming in the Berkeley bay.  And I would know they were ridiculous, until 3am when wide awake I'd start to wonder. 

Now with Violet, I watch her watching and wondering about things, like Santa.  We hadn't really talked much about Santa.  I was always slightly petrified of the mall Santas when I was a kid, and so I've never felt the need to make her sit on Santa's lap and [even more scary] talk to him if she wasn't up for it.   

But something funny happened.  

A couple days after Thanksgiving, we went to this rinky-dinky craft sale on the island put on by the senior center.  Well, there was a Santa there (sort of a 1970's version of one, that looked like he was sitting in someone's living room, with a 13 year old kid taking blurry photos on an ancient camera), and what does my shy little girl do?  My girl who is usually too shy to even look at the grocery clerks in the super market walked right up to this Santa, climbed up on his lap, and told him very clearly what she wanted for Christmas.  

Santa: What is your name?  

Violet: My name is Violet.  

Santa: And have you been a good little girl this year, Violet?  

Violet: Yes, I have. 

Santa: Oh good.  What would you like for Christmas this year?  

Violet:  Santa, I would like a Candy Cane.  

Santa:  Is that all? 

Violet: Yes.  

Santa (who quite possibly was the real thing) then made her Christmas wish come true that very moment and handed her a candy cane.  

Her little soul lit up like a roman candle.  Welcome, Santa.  You are in my child's heart, and possibly for the first time since I was six, you are in mine too.  

   

Foods to be Thankful for

I've been feeling a bit at war lately with these new dietary restrictions that I'm on.  Dairy and gluten free  is a hard pill to pop with the holidays coming.  Violet and I made a pie last week, and I thought for two seconds that I could close an eye to the crust and maybe just maybe feel fine, despite the flour, despite the butter (what harm could one little piece of pie do?) -- as a result I ended the evening with that familiar debilitating stomach ache and a migraine.

As I was walking through the grocery store this morning, I couldn't help but think to myself really, this shouldn't be so hard for me.  I have had tons of support--  friends and family sending me alternative recipes for pie, stuffing, cookies, bread, potatoes, etc... that are dairy and gluten free, and I am actually extremely lucky to live in a city that makes alternative food items easily accessible....  So why, still, am I having such a hard time with this?
I think, maybe, it might have to do with the food tradition that surrounds the holidays.  We all have our favorite recipes that we pull out this time of year, and not being able to have them in my kitchen exactly as they have always been is a little like not having some of my closest most loved relatives at the table.  It just feels off.  I miss them.

But, pity party now ending, I am looking forward to trying a few recipes that were sent my way.  I'm not a very domesticated lady, but I have always taken pride in the fact that I can make a pie crust from scratch (thanks, mom!)  However, I think the saving stone in reinventing a few holiday favorites is going to be accepting the help from bakeries and companies who already have a few things-- like gluten free pie-crust-- figured out.
On that note, I'd like to share a small list of foods/companies that I am thankful for this year, unique to these recent health issues:

1: Rice.  Rice in every form.  Rice milk, rice flour, rice pasta.  Rice, you are incredibly gentle and soothing, and I love you so much.

2) Coconut oil.  You give food that richness it deserves when dairy isn't an option.  Also you make my morning oatmeal completely incredible.

3) Quinoa.  My friend Jeremy introduced the two of us many many years ago.  I thought you were just for hippies, but it turns out you're a pretty awesome grain.  Jeremy wasn't kidding when he called you the super food. 

4) Wheatless in Seattle :  Definitely my favorite wheat-free bakery in Seattle.  I don't know how you do what you do, but don't ever stop!

5) Dark chocolate.  I never really had an appreciation for dark chocolate until milk chocolate and I had a falling out.  Dark chocolate is my new late night hero.

6) Aidells. These are seriously good.  And gluten free!  (not all sausages are)

7) These websites:  http://simplysugarandglutenfree.com/, http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/, http://www.godairyfree.org/, http://glutenfreegirl.com/  (Thank you, Stacey!!)

8)  Flying Apron Bakery  : I've had mixed feelings about this place in the past, but I have had a few friends recommend their ready made GF pie crust.  Definitely worth giving it a shot this year!

9) Food Should Taste Good:  This company makes awesome snack-type foods.  When you live with a toddler (at least with my toddler) it's hard to stay away from the string cheese and crackers.  Having an alternative snack in the house makes a DF and GF life a little easier and more fun.

10) Zumba.  Ok, not technically a food....  but it definitely has been nourishing to my body and mind this year while dealing with these recent food allergies.  There have been some days when my time during zumba is the only hour in the week when my body feels good and alive and not in pain.  It has been a great reminder that while, yes, I am dealing with these adult onset issues, my body is still young and strong  (sort of! :)

Chowder. Pigeon. Taco.

Oh Chowder, last Sunday night the storm hit.  And I had this dream that you were stretched across the sky, your enormous thick body sleeping heavy on the clouds, squeezing out the rain like a sponge.  I woke up knowing you were gone from this earth, feeling my heart break twice--  once for me, and once for Violet who loved you as only a child can love an animal.

--------

A week ago he went missing.  He was gone all day, which wasn't like him.  Normally I would go outside and call his name, and soon I would see this little black face and paws and tail bounding through the tall grass of the empty lot next door to us.

But nothing.
Not a trace.

I became very intimate with my neighbors' yards--  searching under decks, listening to basement doors, searching for any sign of him.
It was as though he had just disappeared completely.  Into thin air.

I know I am going to sound like a crazy woman now, but apart from not finding any physical sign of him, something about our house and the air outside just felt... blank. thin. cold.  I can't really describe it; it just felt as though he absolutely and completely was not physically anywhere.
His presence, the presence that a cat brings to a yard and to a home was just absent.  If you own an animal, you will know what I am talking about.

Wednesday night, Halloween, finally his body was found.  I say finally because the only thing that makes losing your animal worse than it already is, is not knowing if they are still alive or not.  The waiting and the wondering is so horrible.  Stuck in limbo, not knowing if you should continue to keep your hope alive, making posters, making phone calls, searching yards....or release yourself and let the grieving process take over.



But what a complete heartbreak.
He was the cat who came into our home as a fresh new friend, after having to put our cat, Moon, of 17 years to sleep last Thanksgiving.  He and Violet were a bit like siblings--  together, always together, teasing each other, arguing, playing, loving deeply.  He would stretch out on our kitchen floor like a dog, with his back legs straight out behind him, and look up at you as if waiting to hear the news of the day.
At night he would weigh about 80 lbs, sleeping on my feet, showing up next to my head at 3am when I was awake and worrying about the world.
We miss him like crazy.
I still can't believe he's gone.  In the short time he was with us, he made an enormous impact on our lives.  It feels so wretchedly cruel that a creature so young and loved by so many could just all at once be gone.

And this is where my story begins to sprout a little life and hope.  

It is also where  I possibly start to sound really crazy. 

Foster mom, Jean, with kittens

Just three days after we buried Chowder, I was online taking down a few of my lost kitty postings, when I suddenly ran across this listing for two young kittens up for adoption.  One siamese mix, one orange tabby, from Langley, on Whidbey Island where I spent most of the summers of my life growing up (and still where I go to find peace today).
Again, it was this really weird feeling.  Like these were my kittens, and they were just waiting for me to go and get them and bring them home.

Even though it's too soon.
Even though we have never really wanted more than one cat in the house.

There they were, just waiting.

Violet and I hopped in the car (Tyler was out of town at a conference), and we drove as fast as we could to our kitties.

They are so incredible.  The siamese girl, who Violet insists on calling Pigeon is the most docile little creature.  She is white and cream colored with lynx point markings (grey stripes) on her tail, ears, and face.   She is teensy tiny, but as brave as can be.  She looks you in the eye as she sits on your lap in a very tidy little ball.
The boy, who is an orange tabby, we have been calling Taco.  He is spunky and very playful, and not quite as brave as his cool-as-a-cucumber sister.  His purr is high-powered, and he snuggles like nothing I've seen since Moon.  He likes to stretch out the way Chowder used to do, with his legs flopping over the couch.
I adore them both.  And they adore us, I think.   They definitely adore each other, and can usually be found snuggled in a kitten pretzel pile, sometimes grooming each other.

Tyler has forgiven me for adopting 2 cats while he was away :) 

 Rest peacefully, Chowder cat.  We loved you fiercely for the short time you were with us.  Thank you for sending these two little ones into our life.  Our home has lots of love to give, and as Violet says "even though Chowder is in heaven, we can still love him.  And now we love our kittens too."  

Enjoy this video; new beginnings; welcome Taco and Pigeon.
  

Garbanzo Bean Squash Muffins are actually GOOD! (and Gluten Free, too!)

I really love to bake.  And I really really love to eat what I bake.  But this no gluten thing has made my relationship to baked goods a little.... complex.  

In Seattle, you can find many great gluten free cookies, donuts, cupcakes, breads--  but they are expensive!  Mostly very good, but pricey as heck.   

Also-- and maybe this is obvious-- but just because something is gluten free does not mean it is also preservative and chemical free.  I bought these cookies the other days that were made out of peas and chocolate liquor (surprisingly tasty combo) but also contained about a million other non-gluten ingredients, most of which I couldn't pronounce.  They were very good, but honestly good in the way that pop-tarts are good...     

In conclusion, I have decided to venture forward [baby step by baby step] into the world of gluten-free baking.  I like to know what goes into the food I eat, and I love to bake with my kitchen elf and teach her that food doesn't grow in boxes... so here we go.  

Recipe #1:  Garbanzo Bean Squash Muffins  

My parents left to go back to Berkeley at the end of the summer, and filled my pantry with tons of half used food items.  One of those items was a bag of Bob's Red Mill Garbanzo Bean Flour.  

When they first left it, I was kind of feeling like really?  what on earth am I supposed to do with this?? But now that I can't use normal flour, it seems to be coming in handy.  

OK, you guys, I know these muffins sound ridiculous, but I promise you, they are GOOD.  Actually very GOOD!  Violet helped me make them (she was pretty excited; we haven't baked anything in a while), and they made our house smell amazing-- like fall wrapped up in cinnamon.  

Squash is normally the one thing my girl won't eat, and she ate four of these right out of the oven.... so there you go.  

Ingredients: 

2 eggs (or equivalent egg substitute) 

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup olive oil 

2tsp vanilla 

1 1/2 cup yellow squash* 

1 1/2 cup garbanzo bean flour 

1 tsp baking powder 

1 tsp baking soda 

1/4 tsp sea salt 

2 tsp cinnamon 

Preheat oven to 400.  

Mix all ingredients together until smooth (a good task for your kitchen elf).  

Pour into muffin pann lined with muffin wrappers (another good task for your kitchen elf).  

Bake at 400 for 30 minutes.  

Recipe makes 12 muffins .  

*I used delicata squash; precooked until soft.  I think you could also use canned pumpkin for this recipe, or another sweet squash like butternut.  

Always buy two pumpkins.

We bought two pumpkins this year.  We bought one very large round one, and one kind of bulbous lumpy one, with what looked like a pumpkin belly button.

OK-- lesson learned--  never buy a pumpkin with a pumpkin belly button, as cute as it may be.  

One afternoon you will be sitting at your table eating lunch, and you will give the pumpkin a shove to make room for your kid's grape juice, and next thing you know, your thumb is inside this rotten pumpkin cavity.  

We weren't planning on carving pumpkins today, but since belly button pumpkin turned into rotting-spot pumpkin, I tell Violet that yes, finally, (because she has been waiting forever) we can have a pumpkin carving afternoon.  

So she gets all excited and puts her apron on and calls in the cat from outside to help, BUT THEN I start to carve the top off and suddenly the entire pumpkin is caving in on itself in one big black rotting mess, spraying me with pumpkin bile. 

   

I have never seen anything like it.  It was rotting from the inside out.  The entire thing, just a black moldy seedy mess.  So I put it outside.  

But V was so excited to carve a pumpkin.... so we had to have round two with our second pumpkin that I wasn't planning on carving until closer to Halloween (thankfully we had another one!  I felt so bad for her; Why is our pumpkin rotten, mommy??  Why do we have to throw it away??)  

Thankfully, perfect pumpkin number two had no rotting belly button, and supplied us with more than enough pumpkin carving fun.

Violet's cousin, Rose, sent us this detailed illustration of how to turn your pumpkin into a cat which obviously we were thrilled about.  Chowder helped.  

Pictures!  (none of pumpkin 1; sorry)

Dairy and Gluten free

"Choose your food wisely, it becomes your body at a cellular level" --Andrea Beauman 

September, and actually much of the summer, was a bit rough for me.  I think I'll save the story, and just say that I am now feeling great....  but have had to go dairy and gluten free.  I'm not sure if it will be a permanent thing, but it's certainly permanent for now (does that make sense?) :)
Let me just make it crystal clear:  I never thought I would be one of those people with food sensitivities, especially after living in Italy and then India where an adaptable digestive system is the key to so much wonderful food and culture...

But man alive, after having to cut out nearly everything from my diet, and then add things back in one by one by one, I am SO happy to finally feel as though I'm getting on top of this thing.   

Let me go back and tell you-- I have been meaning to write this post for a long time, but something has kept me from doing it.  I'm kind of a private person when it comes to my health, and I think the not knowing what was going on, mixed with the shock of getting a few weird and unexpected test results back, and the general and enormous frustration of dealing with doctors and the medical labyrinth of the UW... it all just felt a bit overwhelming and discouraging.

Also, and this is a big one (and kind of a weird one)-  I know from being a semi-vegetarian that the general public, but also family and friends, can be very put off and unreasonably judgmental toward those who are constantly changing the rules of what can and can't be in their diet.  

It is definitely a popular thing right now to have very complex and unique dietary needs, but I'm starting to learn first hand that if someone is choosing to eliminate something as fabulous as cheese or croissants from their diet, they must have a damn good reason for doing so.  

Anyway, it would be very easy to write pages and pages about how hard it has been to deal with all of this, but really I am starting to see a blazing bright side of this whole thing, which is of course the mere fact that I am feeling better. 

Along with clearing up some of the major things that were going on with me, there have also been a lot of small wonderful side effects I've experienced from cutting out gluten and dairy.  I know a lot of people who suffer from these seemingly minor discomforts, but they definitely add up and can be avoided with a tweak in what you eat. 

1) I was having heartburn, almost daily, that would last hours.  Now that I am gluten and dairy free, heartburn seems to be a thing of the past (knock on wood :) 

2)  My skin has changed.  I don't seem to be breaking out quite as much anymore, and in general I just feel like it's been brighter.  

3) Sleep.  Oh, glorious sleep.  I'm definitely sleeping better these days.  Thank you thank you thank you.  

4) Kind of related to sleep--  I'm just not as lethargic  during the day.  This is partially due to better night sleep, but I feel like my mind has been rid of all this clutter; it feels great and very open.  

5) My mood swings, which had gotten completely out of hand again, have really, for the most part, leveled off.  I think this has been the biggest one for me.  

And there is more-- (too intimate for a blog)-- but I'm happy to talk with anyone about it one on one.  I'm really interested in learning about your experience with diet-shifts too, and how they have changed your day to day life.  Also--  dairy/gluten free winning recipes?  Send then my way!!  

One more thing:   I have one VERY good doctor that I do highly recommend.  She is not affiliated with any major hospital-- she's a bit of an independent.....

Portait Painting

I've never painted a portrait before--  well I've painted portraits of flowers, animals, bugs.... but never a human portrait.
But I've been in a bit of an artistic rut, and I needed something to bend my mind in a new direction, so I thought I would give it a go.
Guess what!  It's HARD.
Well, hard for me.  I know several extraordinarily talented portrait artists, who make it look so easy.
I really didn't think it would be that different from painting anything else... but I have to say, painting this portrait absolutely has been one of the most tormenting stressful artistic experiences I've ever undertaken.  A very good challenge....
but this picture of my daughter with her giraffe literally had me swearing at the paint.

Here's the thing about painting people:  You sit and chip away at this thing, and then you walk away to go to the bathroom.  When you come back, somehow the mouth is in completely the wrong spot, and the nose is far too small, and the eyes are staring in two different directions.  So you fix it.  You fix it all until it's perfect.
Then after dinner you come back and stand aghast as you stare this painting that looks like someone else's child-- not yours-- it looks absolutely nothing like yours.  So you attempt to put some shadows near her eyes because you decide that what it needs is eye work, and then realize that you've just aged her by 20 years.
Then, you think finally you are finished with the awful thing, so you do the trick that artists do where you hold it up to the mirror and see how it looks flipped around... and now her cheeks are full of marbles.

Anyway, a good exercise.  And fun to get out my [anciently old and rusty] oils.   I might do a little more work; maybe a glaze in a couple of weeks, and I still haven't decided if I want to leave the hair and background thinned and sketchy or if I should fill it in...I've always sort of liked the half and half look of an "unfinished" painting....  but anyway, here it is in it's current state:  Violet and G-Raff.

Beginning Ballet

Violet started ballet a few weeks ago.
Before she started, I kind of had mixed feelings about it.  I think it's fairly common to worry that ballet will just be a kind of vanity activity--  you know, that maybe it's too much about the pretty pink costume, and the polishing of a little girl into this delicate little dolly--  really, there was definitely something about the idea of ballet that made us hesitate and cringe.
But, somehow, somewhere, Violet got it in her head that she wanted to try ballet.  And then we found out that one of her best little friends was signed up for it.
So we decided to give it a go.  

And oh my goodness-- she adores it.  ADORES it.  

I'm not sure why I was so focused on the vanity of ballet. You know, I spent my entire youth dancing, and doing gymnastics and it definitely was never ever about any of that.  It was HARD work.  It did, however, make me feel beautiful.  I was tiny, really puny, and somehow through dance my body was able to shine in a way that was never possible in every day life.  
Also,  I was (still am) really shy and awkward, and HATED any sort of team sports.  I always ended up first getting hit by the ball (it didn't matter what sport, the ball always ended up hitting me in the face), and then, secondly, getting yelled at by every other kid on the team for my complete failure to kick/hit/bat/run/throw/catch....
But dance and gymnastics were always different.  There has always been something about the quiet independence of dance that I just love.  Gymnastics too.  There is definitely a kind of silent strength that comes with the sport that always felt very empowering to me.
No yelling across the field; no contact.  No one else at all, really.
Just a huge floor, or a set of bars; space to fly.

So I guess it shouldn't surprise me that Violet loves ballet.  She and I are cut from the same cloth.
She comes home from class just beaming and talking non-stop about what she learned.  Yesterday when we got back, she immediately set up the entire living room exactly like the studio-- with a little obstacle course to leap and sachet through.
It's really fantastic to see her so proud of herself, and excited--
--and to see that through dance, maybe her introvertedness can shine a bit, as she focuses in on her legs and arms and toes.

After the first month of lessons, all the mommies got to come into the studio and watch the kids put on a little show.
It was a bit like watching bunnies dance.
They were adorable.  See if you can spot my string bean...

Weddings

I really love going to weddings.

I especially love going to weddings when you see how so completely very happy the two people getting married are.

And, I have to admit, as an artist, I love to see how differently the idea of wedding is interpreted. You get to see this wonderful collage of the couple's life-- their favorite friends mingling with outspoken relatives, wrapped in their favorite colors, eating their favorite foods, often in their favorite most sacred spot on the planet-- be it a family home, or a temple, or a church, or their favorite boulder looking out over the ocean.
You get this little snapshot of what is important to two individuals.  It's usually some form of tradition mixed with personal expressions of beauty, and creativity and resourcefulness and love.

Even with the most traditional weddings, you never know exactly what it's going to be.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I feel like we've gone to so many weddings in the past few years that have truly been unique labors of love.
You know what it's like?  It's like handing out egg cartons to a class of kids, and telling them each to go home and make something.
Some kid will just bring it back full of eggs or marbles.  Another kid will turn their egg carton into a cat or a dragon.  Another kid will fill each pouch with dirt and plant sweet peas.
It's always so fascinating and beautiful to see how the framework idea of wedding is brought to life in different ways and shapes and colors and forms.
I love it.
Of course weddings aren't all about the fuss and frazzle-dazzle of the details; but I do remember, from our own wedding, all of these silly little projects unexpectedly brought me so close to so many people I love in such a fun and creative-crafty way.  It's this underhanded way of having an excuse to talk about color and fabric and flowers and food with everyone you meet, something I kind of relish in.

There were so many late sweet nights sitting with Tyler in our tiny studio apartment in the middle of a dark Seattle winter, printing out invitations, stamping birdies on the envelopes, drinking wine, laughing...  

Well, September has been full of weddings for us.  We went to two weddings in two weeks, and they were both incredibly fun and beautiful, and very different from each other.  

The first wedding was in Colville, Washington.  Our friends Nicolle and Jay got married at their gorgeous home looking out over acres of farmland.  This truly was one of the most incredible and heart warming events I've ever been to.  The entire event just exuded happiness.  I don't think I will ever forget the beautiful picture of Nicolle and Jay standing under the trees with their son, Ari, just wrapped in pure happiness to be sharing their home and love for each other with their family and friends.  And everything was beautifully hand-done.  The flowers, the food, the candles on the the driveway-- their house just glowed with all of these little projects that, you could tell, came straight from  Nicolle's heart.  Violet got to come, and she was absolutely in heaven.
  

The second wedding we went to was vastly different, but equally as fun.  Tyler's cousin Caitlin and her boyfriend, Miguel, were married in southern California over the weekend at Sherwood Country club.  (Does this place ring a bell?  It's where Tiger Woods has his own personal golf tournament ever year).  Well, it was a fabulous wedding!  Oh, California, how lovely you are!  It was a beautiful evening event  with incredible food and probably one of the best live cover bands I've ever heard.  An enormously fun party wrapped in purple roses, with dancing and, again, this enormous amount of love and celebration just dripping from every detail.  

Violet stayed with my folks for this one, so Tyler and I had the excuse to take a little holiday by ourselves :)  We went to Santa Monica and tooled around on the beach.  More photos?  Yes!  Although, sadly, I didn't get very many non-blury ones of the Caitlin and Miguel..